just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
