it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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