I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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