I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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