I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
is wine microwaveable?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
