Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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