So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
