I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
