I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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