when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
