I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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