you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
