the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
