Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
