theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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