Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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