I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
