tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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