I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize