I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
