I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
did you just send me my own nude
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize