im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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