How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
