I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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