just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
