Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
be right there i have to get my cape
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
