Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
