I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
