I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
