I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
His hands were made for my vagina.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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