Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
