My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Sorry my hands just texted you
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
