I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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