I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
