she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
