never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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