Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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