I forgot how hot balto sounded
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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