plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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