My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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