She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
