I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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