remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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