you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
