Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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