Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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