Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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