New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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