life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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