I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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