i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
